Well, nertz.

There has been a joke in recent months where I call myself "Jenny the Jinx". I don't watch the Okies play ball, because when I do they start messing up. Truthfully, I know I am not a jinx, but it really feels like it sometimes. Last night at our SS Christmas party, we were talking about our children and my oldest's problem with the bullies. Since I hadn't received any incident reports lately, I felt comfortable enough to report that things were pretty good. Well, Jenny the Jinx strikes again. The sad face and even sadder stories were right there on her face as I saw her doing her safety duties. When she got in the car, it all just poured out like a broken dam. She would go over to play with a group of girls they would turn their backs on her. She'd sit down on a swing with another group, they'd look at each other and all get up at the same time and leave her. The boys let her play World Cup Soccer with them, but no girlfriends to play with. I find myself questioning her as to her interactions with the other girls. Are you a goody goody? Do you get bossy? Do you talk about others behind their backs? What is wrong with me? I have asked these questions of her before. I know the answers. There is no reason for my actions. She is purposely being shunned, excluded, whatevered. It makes me so sick and angry. I tell her to toughen up, but I cannot continue with this line of parenting. She sits and takes it like a champ, is expected to suck it up while the other girls get away with it. The break cannot come soon enough for all of us. Please pray for wisdom for us as we try to deal with this in the least damaging way....such a difficult time.On a humorous note, while subbing at school today, several of my boys had to potty at the same time. One who was particularly wiggly and impatient told me, "At home I just pee in the garden all the time.". When I informed him that there was not a garden inside, he told me "I'll go find one.". Funny little guy. Have a good one, everybody. Margaret, the nertz was in your honor, :)

Partying with the Staff and Seekers

Today was a party day. I know, when you look at me everything screams party. My version of a party is having some people over, eating tasty snacksand having nice conversation or playing an entertaining game. We don't have a whole lot of options for childcare, so we don't get out much. Backtracking, after I fulfilled my ECM assistant duties, I went to work on getting the boy's glasses fixed. Last night in the throes of a sibling wrestling match, the glasses were irreparably damaged. Titanium, apparently, cannot be soldered so no chance of a patch job. LensCrafters wanted Brian to buy plastic frames for the boy. Uh, no. Sooooo, off to Dr. Hopper's I went. Thankfully, they listened to my sob story about the poor boy walking into door frames and windows. They had a pair of close out forms that would work until he had his maor big appointment in February. I sat in the waiting room while he was grinding the lenses down. Next to me was a member of the Forensics team for the police department. I had to resist not starting up conversation, especially considering Forensics are an interest of mine. Luckily he was reading what looked to be a textbook. After checking the lates FB statuses, I looked around the office and then over to see what kind of book he was reading. What to my wandering eyes did appear, but a chapter of blood spatter and some pictures an smears! There were several shots of blood patterns and the object used to cause that pattern. You go in to get new glasses and you learn about spray patterns from the handle of a golf club....who knew?After a frantic attempt to clean the house before my aunt and uncle came to babysit, I went to the Christmasluncheon for the church staff. Good lunch, fun group and interesting gift exchange emceed by Pastor Jim. I wound up with a silly ornament. Whirlwind afternoon to pick p the kids, go home and wash my hair, take S to choir, come home and get the kids showered and pj'ed, dress myself, visit with the the aunt and uncle and then go to the Seekers SS Chrismas party. Despite a splitting headache, I had a lovely time. We started out coupled up, which was unusual, but then got into the girl's side and the boy's side. We did an ornament exchange. These usually get really spirited, but I think we were all a bit tired. Another Jenny was brave enough to steal someone's ornament and then it got a lively. We ended up with a cute ornament that will require a hefty branch for it, but that is okay. Very cute! We also have narrowed down the suspects for the naughty ornaments that appear. We say that because they didn't show up and neither did the ornament. Mmm hmmmm.Time for bed. Please remember one of the boy's friends tonight. A CT scan found a tumor on his spine and a hot spot on his lung. He goes for an MRI tomorrow. As a mother, I can't fathom what they must be going trough. Terrifying, I'm sure. Pray for his completely restored health. So scary. Going to hug mine a bit tighter tonight....

Not much to say

It has been a long day. Sick boy, gift wrapping, homework helping, dinner making, hair fixing, Christmas concerting and laundry folding. I am beat. I will say that the above pictured crackers are of the devil, they're so good. I have a coworker to thank for my new addiction. It was nice to sit and listen to Christmas concert music this evening. I thought our bell performance was pretty nice, if I may say so myself. My favorite part was seeing my oldest sing with her choir. She plastered on her best permagrin and sang her little heart out. In her little robe she looked like an angel. I am grateful for moments like that to conclude a day like this one. It puts things into perspective...just like it always should. So on Christmas Eve or Christmas day, sit back with some tasty crackers and watch the concert. There'll be a sweet little face singing up there and some great music. I'll be watching....

Gonna have a little talk with...a trained mental health professional

I just had to start out this somewhat mentally heavy entry with a little levity. The recipe on the bag of chips today called for "processed cheese loaf" which just grossed me out and tickled me at the same time. We all know it means "Velveeta"....I don't know why we just can't say that. It sounds so much more appetizing, if cheese can be appetizing. Another writing for another day.
I want to chat a little bit about mental health and mental illness. Mental health is a fairly common subject these days, unlike when my parents were growing up. We see commercials for pharmaceuticals that help with depression, OCD, ADHD and any other letter combination you can find. I, personally, have ADHD with out the H. Why am I telling everyone this? Well for one, it is not that big of a surprise. My good friends have to get me back into focus. They can see when I have gone to the zone and need to snap out of it. Poor B has dealt with me for almost 20 years...good grief that's a long time. Secondly, mental illness is the giant elephant in the living room of my entire family. My grandfather was textbook Bipolar, or Manic Depressive as they said back in the day. He had crazy highs and terribly worrisome lows. My mom and aunt and uncle rarely talk about that aspect of their lives. It is filled with pain and shame and some anger. They have told us some good stories, but mostly we heard about my grandmother. As we got older, Granny felt we could process more of the information about him, so she gave us bits and pieces. When I say he was textbook bipolar, I mean he was shock therapy, institutionalized and majorly drugged for his condition. By the time I knew him, he lived in a group home near my grandmother. He was too much to handle by herself and the home monitored his medicine and provided him a safe place to stay. I do not want to make him sound like a monster. He was not. The hand he was dealt was a rough one. He was on some serious meds when we saw him and mostly liked his stories and to whip me at checkers. He appreciated a good old fashioned barber shop shave and a good meal. As his grandchildren, we have lived with the specter of his condition on our backs. Would we get it? How would we know? His own mother didn't tell Granny of his condition because that might make home "unmarriable". This is what we have dealt with our entire lives.
A little background, when B and I were first married , he was in a job that was terribly stressful and he hated it. When I say hated, I mean puke before going to work kind of hate. We sought a professional to help us deal with it as a couple, but it ended up the doc wanted to only hear what B said. Fine...he felt a lot better and eventually got a new job so we were done with that mess. We moved to Knoxville and, while I was excited, I was left with all the resentment of not dealing with my feelings while he had a new job to go to every day. This caused me to be very depressed. No friends to talk to in town. The family was scared because depression equalled hospitalization in their eyes. I was given the recommendation of a psychologist and minister, Dr. John Stuhl, by a psychologist friend of mine. I started to see him for sessions. It was wonderful and horrible and difficult and relieving and frustrating all at the same time. Then, a husband of a friend said, "I think people who say they are depressed and have to go to counseling are just lazy and selfish. They have to bring another person in to help them solve their problems.". I was devastated. Was that what people thought of me? I didn't go around broadcasting my counseling, but if asked I would confirm it to people. What people didn't get was why 2 or 3 sessions weren't enough. "Are you that wacko?". Or the inevitable,"Gee, I wish I could just sit and have someone solve all my problems for me.". Nothing makes me angrier. There were times I left his office free as a bird and others when I felt worse than before. I would get so mad at him....I'd cry...and swear I wasn't going back. But I did and I am so glad I did. I fear I would be in a rubber room now if I hadn't. Was I that disturbed? No. But I needed some help. I worked hard, I studied. I wrote. I did homework for him. It was tough. He told me,"Just like you have glasses to fix your vision problem, you have counseling to fix your heart and head problems.".
So, why am I telling you all this? Well, for those who haven't yet clicked over to the Icanhazcheezeburger site, I say this to explain. When I put up a sad or sketchy or depressed sounding tweet or FB post, it is not to get attention. I am desperately trying to work out my issues. With ADHD, it goes hand in hand with depression. It is very depressing to know that my mind is always going and never stops. I don't sleep well. I walk into a room to get my car keys and forget untilI I have gotten through 5 other rooms. The meds I took for this made me very queasy. It just wasn't worth it. The only way I could get my mind to slow down and focus was to play my guitar, look and the music and listen to it in my ear buds. The ADD kids who can play video games are hyper focusing with hands, eyes and ears all working together. When that synergy happens it is such a relief...I can't even tell you. Unlike some people I know, I don't want the mental health specter to be my crutch, my "thing". I want it to be the thing that I have whipped into shape. I have tender feelings. I am an easy target. I want to be liked. I allow myself to get hurt....I allow it. However this may look and read to you all, never forget this: I will not allow the differences in my brain to define me and allow me to wallow in self pity. I have my lows, my flightiness, my issues. But, I will never allow it to ruin me or rule me. I will now jump off of my soapbox on my mental health and head to bed. Fingers crossed for a good sleep....and prayers that people who read this won't look at me like I have a third eye the next time they see me. But I understand if they do....

A visit to the place where the holidays exploded

Today was one of those days where I needed to get five million things done and failed miserably. I did get S to practice for the Christmas concert at church. They sounded very sweet and looked a bit intimidated by all the orchestra members. Then they sang for the ECM Christmas party dressed up as angels...too sweet. Above are the wings that S wore with her costume. Kind of strange. The boy enjoyed his treat at the party.  Can you tell?  Then we got her black pants for the concerts. I know, I know...the excitement is overwhelming. After a day of being very unproductive, no gifts wrapped...no treats baked...we decided to take the kids to the Shadrach's Light Show at the Smokies Stadium. It indeed was like the holiday season exploded in a parking lot:

The kids enjoyed it and the peppermint Ice cream they got when we arrived back home. I wish I had a crazy buffet story or a strange musing whilst watching people at the mall, but I don't. Just a run of the mill day, time with family. I wouldn't trade it for anything.

Holy gift cards, Batman!!!

Today was Brian's 9/80 day, so we were pleased to have him home for the day. No big plans, besides maybe some Chrismas shopping, so we were looking forward to the day. We had our usual "Day off breakfast" at Panera, my personal favorite for people watching without the food poisoning threat of P Inn. You can't get too dangerous with coffee and a bagel. After seeing half of the church, we left and made our way to the Star 102.1 studios. See, when B and I were being starstruck radio geeks on Black Friday with Frank Murphy, we were encouraged to sign up for ticket drawings to various upcoming shows. Well, slap my back and call me Cosette, I won two tickets to Les Miz. The Brain and I went to see it in Roanoke when we were in college and I fell in love with it. My roommate and I sang "Stars" every night as we were trying to go to sleep and drown out the noisy neighbors. My parents have always loved the music but have never seen the actual show, so we decided to give them the tickets. Again, we were nosily starstruck as we saw our favorite radio personalities hard at work in the studio. As much as we wanted to peek, the boy wanted to ten fold. Luckily we kept him from jumping up and plastering his face on the glass. It would have made tweeting with them awkward. Anyhow, we made it out of there without getting humiliated. After our arrival back at the ranch, B and the boy went to school to have cruddy cheeseburger lunch with the girls and I went about knocking out a few more Christmas gifts. After stops at the Hobby Lobby and Harvest Town(yes, the liquor store to buy a hostess gift), I headed to Kroger to buy some gift cards. Teacher gifts and stocking stuffers are easily knocked out in the gift card section...AND fuel points are quadrupled when you buy gift cards until the 11th. Apparently everyone and their grandmother had the same idea that I did. One lady was even discussing a way to beat the system that Kroger and Shell have going by buying Shell gift cards and quadrupling their points then using the Shell card to then take the receipt back to Kroger and...oh I got confused after a while. It was way above my thinking of school teacher and choir director gifts for the kids. Well, I knocked out ten gifts with these:

Now mind you, I had already gotten two of these couple weeks ago. That being said I took my selected gift cards, egg nog,cereal and creamer to check out and lined up with lots like minded friends. I learned long ago it is futile get annoyed while waiting in the line. It makes the wait longer and the people around me much more hostile.  The  older couple in front told dear Barry, one of my favorite kroger friends, they been looking for cards for an hour. Their stack was enormous and I could not wit to see what was going to happen. After he scanned their 20th card, I asked if they were looking for any new family members and said I would be happy to help them out. They told me they had 28 grandchildren to shop for, God bless them. After Barry scanned everything, the register started making all kinds sounds rivaling R2D2 and spit out about ten yards of receipts. The total you ask? $810.00 or 3240 fuel points. Nice.  When I was done, I exchanged pleasantries and left. I hope they locked their car doors as soon as they got in...they had lots of interested eyes on them.  The weekend is here again. The kids are safely tucked into bed and we are winding down for the evening. Once tomorrow comes, the Christmas rush truly begins for us.  I just pray that we can keep perspective and celebrate the blessings we have been given. Peace on Earth, goodwill towards men and gift cards not necessary to experience joy. 

Dark day...bright night

It was a dark day for my beloved alma mater today. A senseless killing of a brave law enforcement officer on the campus of Virginia Tech. So terribly sad for not only the family of the officer and the Hokie nation, but the family of the shooter. Someone must be full of questions, grieving his loss. I pray that, once again, the Virginia Tech community can come together and become stronger after yet another tragedy. My heart breaks for the loss of life and innocence. My love for this place goes beyond just simple school spirit. It is where I was born...where I first gained my independence...met lifelong friends...met the love of my life and started a life with him. We are Virginia Tech....we will prevail.

Brian and I were feeling very glum and heartbroken this evening considering the circumstances. We were very much in need of a distraction, and a happy one at that. Then S reminded us of her extra credit science homework observing the night sky. A collective groan arose from both of us as we remembered its due date of tomorrow. Because of the rainy week we've had, the project had been postponed and had to be done. So, after downloading the app "Star Walk", we piled in the car and drove to a friend's subdivision that is nice and dark and treeless. Somewhat skeptical of this new app, we exited the nice, warm car and entered the cold and moonlit night to start getting our eyes accustomed to the dark. Then, in true astronomy fashion, we whipped out our cell phones, activated the app and started holding them up to the night sky, waiting to see what popped up. S is big into astronomy right now, so every name of a star or planet or constellation that popped up was met with squeals of delight. The boy was running around saying that he would "find another earth" for us. G helped point out all the planets and kept track of them until S could write them all down. The night was nice and cold, Ursa Minor was visible and Jupiter and Uranus were shining brightly in the moonlit night sky. Polaris clearly and brightly owned the sky. We left the house with heavy hearts and entered it, spirits buoyed by the miracle of God's night sky. Crushing day....magical night....